


Reasons to Live, Reasons to Die

by orphan_account



Category: Metal Gear
Genre: Angst, Drabble, M/M, Otacon thinks he is going to die, Unrequited Crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-21
Updated: 2020-01-21
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:48:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22349794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Set during MGS1, when everyone thinks a nuclear strike is going to occur. Otacon laments his tragic role, and comes to terms with his own mortality.
Relationships: Meryl Silverburgh & Solid Snake, Otacon & Solid Snake, Otacon/Solid Snake
Comments: 2
Kudos: 17





	Reasons to Live, Reasons to Die

‘I believe in you…’

The words still echoed in Hal’s brain, drowning out the urge to collapse to the floor and cry. This was it. From here on out, he was the only one who could ensure Snake and Meryl’s escape, holed up in the computer room amongst strewn papers and the damaged, flickering light fixtures. He could do it. He’d almost doomed countless innocents to death, but now he could save lives instead. 

He’d found his reason to live.

Hal swallowed nervously, glancing at the clock and making some quick calculations in his head. It wouldn’t take long for the nuclear strike to arrive.

He’d found his reason to die.

A loveless life of manipulation, guilt and trauma had led to this grand climax. It was poetic in a really horrible sort of way, he figured, but he deserved it. So naive, so stupid… how could he have not realised the true purpose of REX? His throat felt dry as he pushed his glasses further up the bridge of his nose, watching the security camera with unwavering intensity. Now he was going to make up for it. For everything. The sins of his forefathers were like crushing weights upon his shoulders, and he was going to be set free of them soon enough.

His forefathers.

His family.

‘Family’ had always been a touchy subject. Hal had sworn he’d never have children out of a fear they’d be subjected to even a fraction of the things he’d gone through. The scientist laughed, realising that now the choice had been taken away from him by fate’s just hand. The laughs gradually turned to sobs, chest heaving as he wiped tears from his bloodshot eyes to get a clearer view of the monitor.

At least the curse on the Emmerich family would die with him.

His gaze focused on two blurry dots darting across the security footage. Snake and Meryl. They were running, with the former leading the latter by the hand. A strange feeling twisted in Hal’s gut like a knife. Snake, the hero, the dashing saviour of the day. Himself, the sweaty nerd in soiled jeans, the catalyst of the whole problem to begin with. They could never both have survived. That’s the way these stories always worked, right?

Hah, stories. 

The reason he was here in the first place was also the reason he would never leave alive.

Stupid, stupid Hal.

He tried to hold back an angry sob as he mindlessly swept everything off the desk save for the keyboard and mouse. Documents flew everywhere, and a gunpla figure clattered to the ground. He looked at the toy robot with the utmost contempt, stamping on it and sending shards of plastic across the floor. What had once been a beloved set, now good for nothing.

Good for nothing, just like him.

No, he thought, he couldn’t let the self-loathing get the better of him now, not when lives were still on the line. Getting a hold of himself, he pulled up a terminal and clacked away at the keyboard, making sure every last security protocol was disengaged. Even when he was gone, the world would keep on turning. Snake and Meryl would keep on fighting. The strike would wipe his sins from the face of the Earth once and for all. Hal wondered if Snake would miss him. He was certainly going to miss Snake.

He felt that uncomfortable tug in his heartstrings again. He recognised the feeling, but chose to ignore it. No need to get sappy at a time like this. Besides, his track record with all things love had been categorically abysmal up until now. That was another curse, one he didn’t want to burden the soldier with. It was ok. He would just soak up all the bad luck like a sponge and everyone else would be fine, as long as he didn’t get close.

His attention turned to the clock again, the second hand moving impossibly fast, despite going at the same speed it always had. The camera footage showed that Snake and Meryl had nearly escaped through the worst of it. Sigh. A creak sounded from the desk chair as the scientist leaned back.

Hal Emmerich smiled.

He’d found his reason to die.


End file.
